Farmer's Turmoil
by PetiKitty
Summary: An (overdramatic) insight into my thought process playing Stardew Valley. Some creative liberties taken.


"Valarie, what are you doing here?" Leah was clearly surprised to see the young farmer, though there was more excitement than irritation in her voice despite being disturbed at such a late hour. "It's after midnight."

"Sorry, I was coming home from the bar," Valarie said as Leah ushered her in. "I saw the lights on and heard you banging away."

"That would explain why you smell like beer. How much did you have to drink?"

"None, actually. It got spilled on me. I was...Putting up with my mother in law." Valarie could hear the exhaustion she felt coming out in her voice. It wasn't the satisfying kind she got from a hard day's work though. For the first time since moving to Stardew Valley, she felt emotionally drained.

"I don't envy you, but I also can't have you stinking up my cottage. Kel would drink and-"

"I should just go." Not waiting for a response, Valarie turned and got halfway out the door before Leah stopped her.

"Hold on a minute." She sounded worried. For at least as long as Leah had moved here, depression and bad judgment seemed to envelop this small village like a curse waiting to be broken and she hated the idea of that curse hurting the woman who had been kinder to her than anyone she could remember; she knew Valarie wasn't the kind of person to show up unannounced, after Midnight for any reason other than desperation. "I have a robe you can change in to. Just leave your clothes outside."

Tossing the robe to Valarie, Leah promised, "I won't peak." As the farmer dressed down in the chilling air, she thought to herself how she wouldn't mind too much if her friend did try to take advantage of the situation, then shook her head at her own desperation for validation and how that was what landed her in the predicament she was in.

"That's much better." Both women appreciated the change in clothing and the atmosphere became more comfortable as they sat down together. "I'm glad you're here. What's going on?"

Valarie let out an exhausted sigh followed by prolonged silence as she worked up her nerve. Finally she said as her voice crawled, "I've done a pretty awful thing and you're the only one I can trust to help me figure out what to do."

"You didn't kill Pam, did you?"

Leah chuckled and Valarie tried to, but she couldn't pull any part of her soul out of her solemn headspace. "It's arguably not that bad, but...Okay, I want you to know I fully expect you to hate me after this, but I hope you'll help, for Penny's sake at least.

* * *

**One month ago**

"Hey, grandpa," Valarie muttered in front of her father's shrine. She was once again thankful that her grandfather's shrine was far away enough that even the chickens probably wouldn't see her pray. Convinced no spirit could actually hear her, if one existed at all, Valarie felt stupid anytime she did this – unable to explain why this was her third time trying.

"I'm getting married tomorrow. Penny, Pam's daughter, and I'm really glad you aren't here to see all the terrible mistakes that have led up to this. I'm so ashamed that I haven't even told mom and dad."

It was the 15th of Fall, so the day had been warm enough underneath the sun and hard labour, but as night fell the biting reminder of the coming Winter made her regret not changing out of her sweaty work clothes. The thought of going back to the farmhouse to put on something warmer was out of the question. It had been enough of a mental hurdle to find the will to converse with the shrine; finding it in herself to leave only to come back wasn't something Valarie could do.

She continued through her shivers, "You didn't live long enough to see how much of an obsessive people pleaser I grew up to be. It's pretty bad. I figured moving somewhere with so few people to possibly please would be perfect...Turns out, not so much."

As she prepared to spill her guts out to no one, Valarie found herself reliving nearly everything of minor importance as if reading from a diary. "It all started going south pretty much right away. The first time I went to Pierre's, I saw there was a calendar with everyone's birthdays, which seems weird, but whatever."

Reciting this fact, Valarie felt the sting of her absence from the calendar. She was now depending on Penny to finally ask her, then inform the townspeople.

"Then I found the creepiest thing. A website that had bunch of information about everyone...I don't think they know about. I'm guessing the man in the tower made it. Anyway, it had lists of the kind of presents the people here enjoy, so I started focusing on that." Valarie's shame picked up with the gusts. "I even designed the farm around it."

"By the time I figured out what I was doing, Summer had come around and the only things I could grow that made great gifts were melons and poppies for Penny and peppers for Shane, so they got the brunt of my neediness." This was a misleading statement. Valarie had built her crops around these two, but a much stronger emphasis was Penny. In her defense, Penny was cute and very sweet and Shane was kind of a dick.

"I finally really figured out how things work around here." Valarie paused and her tone got satirically grumpy. "Speaking of which, if you knew about the weird spirits in the community centre, a heads up would have been real fucking nice." Her tone calmed again as the exhaustion of Midnight was taking hold of her.

"Between my farming, spelunking and running errands, everyone started appreciating me by mid Autumn – well, appreciating what I was giving them. I don't think my personality factored in." As she muttered this to her grandpa, she found herself remembering all the cheese she had made for Leah.

"By then, Penny and I were pretty close, I guess, so I'd go over to her trailer once in a while." A familiar angry feeling sat in her stomach as she began reciting the story. "One day, I'm there helping her tidy and Pam comes in, clearly drunk and starts yelling at her for cleaning up... It was heartbreaking so I started paying even more attention to her. Before long, it was pretty clear how she felt about me."

"I had an easy way out – passive aggressive, which is all I know how to do when times get tough. With this town's weird traditions of giving flowers and magic shells before romance can happen, I figured I'd just not do that and Penny would get the picture but she tore apart that plan by getting me the flowers. She's so timid. The possibility of her taking the initiative never even crossed my mind."

Valarie had been so fixated on her one sided conversation that she didn't hear the footsteps creeping behind her. When she finally noticed, it was clear that whoever it was had been close enough to hear that last part of the story and she cursed herself for speaking outloud. She figured, with her luck, that it was probably Penny and refused to turn to meet her maker.

After half of a minute of rigid silence, the intruder bellowed out a MOOOO!

Nearly an entire year of raising cows had made Valarie immune to being startled by the pleasant creatures. She let out a breath she hadn't been aware she was holding as she turned to see the familiar white with black spots. "Ma, what are you doing outside this late?" It seemed that Ma had come out to comfort Valarie has she lay down and licked her.

"I knew you weirdos didn't stand up all the time." After her short amount of time in Stardew Valley, she had seen enough astonishing things that it had crossed her mind that maybe the cows here never did lay down. "I guess you can hear the rest of the story. You won't tell anyone...I think."

"So she gave me the flowers and I said yes, like a fucking idiot." Valarie gave herself a few fairly hard punches to the head, prompting Ma to lick her again. "I don't know what I was thinking, but suddenly we were dating and, like an even bigger idiot, I assumed she'd never have the courage to ask me to marry her, but here we are. She did ask and all I could think was how desperate I was to not make her shitty life even worse."

* * *

"You're really not in love with her?" Leah asked with neither acceptance nor condemnation in her voice and Valarie only shook her head. "Why are you telling me this?"

"You're the only one I know with any experience in an unhealthy relationship. I figured if anyone would have some advice, it would be you."

"I think you should end this now."

Valarie found an exhausted chuckle. "That's what I figured you'd say. It's what I keep saying, but every time I do, I ask myself why I think that and I can never come up with a good answer."

As expected, Leah had to pause and Valarie could see the gears turning in the sculptors head – trying to find a better answer than, 'because it's the right thing to do.' Giving up waiting, Valarie kept going. "I thought I knew how bad Penny's life was before we got married. I saw that shitty trailer, I saw Pam at the saloon every night, I knew about her dirtbag of a dad."

The fire in Valarie's voice was intensifying; Leah seemed taken aback, but she had no intention of slowing down. "I was sure I understood exactly what it was I was rescuing her from, but I had no idea. It's only been a month and now I know about the persistent nightmares she's no longer having; the exhaustion of the never ending cycle of staying up to take care of her drunk mom."

Leah's face twisted in to a look of the despair Valarie had felt for months. "Was it really that bad?"

"When you'd go to town, you would see her standing out in the rain, right? It's because the grating sound of drops hitting her tin roof gave her panic attacks."

"Okay, I get where you're coming from, but ending this gets exponentially worse as time goes on and you can't keep doing this forever."

"Why not?" Leah didn't seem prepared for that question either. "When you moved here, you had a purpose, but I didn't and frankly, I thought I never would, here or anywhere else." Valarie's voice was turning from tenacious to hopeful. "Now, I get to work all day, come home to someone that loves me and who I genuinely love as well and go to sleep next to her, knowing that I dragged her out from the depths of Hell."

Leah seemed impressed albeit unconvinced. "But Penny is going to want to have kids. Bringing children in to this situation can't be a good idea."

"It's a great idea. It's the best part about this." Leah hadn't expected such a confident response. "I thought about the idea of having kids before I even moved here and It's always seemed like something I'd want. I won't get as much time with them as I'd like to, but even if I was never around, Penny, on her own, would be ten times better than any combination of parents I've ever met. We'll get to adopt some kids that really need it and give them the best mom the world has ever seen."

"I can't deny that you two would make great parents, but are you sure you can live your life like this?"

Valarie took a moment to soak in the complement before responding. "I'm the happiest I've been in my entire life. I think I'll be okay."

"Alright. I can keep your secret." Sleep was overtaking Leah and Valarie could feel the same happening to her. "And if you ever need to talk, I'm here."

The two got up and exchanged their goodbyes. Before Valarie could get to the door, Leah asked, "All that cheese you kept giving me, you didn't really think that was the only way to be my friend was it?"

Smiling for the first time all night, Valarie said, "why do you think I bought the goat?"

* * *

Opening her eyes to a new day, Valarie could tell from the light shining through their windows that another long one was ahead of her. Sitting up, she saw Penny in her library, so engrossed in a book that the crowing outside didn't register at all.

The farmer and her wife shared a kiss after Penny lovingly insisted Valarie not work too hard. Before leaving, she spent a few seconds glancing at _How I Feel About Valarie_ which was positioned next to the fireplace and wondered what life might be like if the world wasn't such a terrible place.

Valarie took her first step outside, perfectly in time with her automated sprinklers turning off. There was an abundance of crops to harvest and the echoing of barnyard animals rang through the farm as they did every morning.

With a grin beaming even brighter than the sun, Valarie thought to herself, _looks like another great day._


End file.
